Film Review: Jeff Buckley-Live in Chicago & Fall In Light

Light Falls on Jeff Buckley
A FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT By April Harold
	Parking…we were parking, and I was anxious. I just wanted to get there, get inside, and sit down. "There" would be the Egyptian Theater, Hollywood, CA. The location of the West Coast premiere of "Jeff Buckley-Live In Chicago" & "Fall In Light", CD Release Party. Pretty unassuming little venue, from the street anyway (it's much larger once inside, with a main seating area and balcony in the theater itself).
You can look into the courtyard from the sidewalk, and see a little of the lobby, but not much. We checked in at the entrance, and moved through the courtyard, looking at tables of products. There were CD's and T-shirts for sale, as well as literature and stickers for Sweet Relief (the charity to which all the proceeds from the event were donated). There were many people there already, mingling over drinks…they all seemed so relaxed. I mostly avoided eye contact, as I was nervous…VERY nervous…and I didn't want anyone but my friend to notice that.

I had been waiting for this event only 11 days, but it seemed like I had been waiting forever. Maybe I had...maybe I'd been waiting since I began this whole thing, back in February when I first discovered Jeff Buckley. The relationship I have with his music, with him, is so intensely personal it is hard for me to describe. I never met him, I never even saw him play…yet, somehow, he is a part of me…part of my soul. Maybe that's why I can't explain it…because I don't fully understand it myself. But the opportunity to attend this event, to be part of something so amazing, was still a bit surreal to me, and became even more so once we actually arrived.

As we made our way through the lobby, I noticed we were some of the first people inside the theater…most were still outside...so we pretty much got our pick of seats, which was fortunate. I was glad it was so quiet inside…I was trying to calm myself a bit. I had an idea what was in store for the evening, which is why I was so nervous. It was going to be very emotional for me, to say the least. As she did several times throughout the night, my friend put her hand on my arm, just a little reassurance…believe me, it was welcome. I was so happy that it was she I was there with…and grateful she understood why this night was so special for me. Still nervous, I couldn't sit still, and had to get up several times…bathroom (more tissues, although my purse was already full of them)…water…free stuff? Where? I was gone in a flash…
posterboards and guitar picks…some for me, some for my friend and, of course, some for Chrys. I was finally out of things to do, places to go, so I sat. Sat, and waited, nervous again. Then I heard it…the music playing softly, but distinctive none the less…Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan (a Qawwali singer, described by Jeff as "…a man I deeply revere…above all other artists."). I realized that of course that's what they would play…and I smiled, and was suddenly calm. My friend spotted a couple of friends, who ended up sitting by us for most of the evening. One was a musician, and began talking about Jeff. How odd, yet incredible it was to hear him speak the same words I had…about Jeff, how his music touched his life, how amazed he was by the emotion of it all. I knew that I was not the only one there that night who felt that way, not by a long shot…but it was nice to have that affirmed.

The event itself was starting late, but I actually didn't mind. I could have stayed there all night, and been just as happy…but finally, everyone found their seats. The lights in the front of the room brightened (prematurely, we were to find out), and the immediate silence that fell over the crowd was astonishing. It was then I realized that I felt at home there, among all those fans…it was the first time, in regards to Jeff and his music, that I felt I was among those with whom I truly belonged…I was among family.

A man began to speak, a local radio personality. He thanked us all for coming, and said a little about the schedule for the evening. He then made the introductions…a woman named Noah, the organizer for the Sweet Relief event, and Mary Guibert, Jeff's mother. She began to speak, thanking us for being there, for sharing this night with her, thanking Sweet Relief for making it all possible. I found myself leaning forward, riveted on her voice. Not because it was startling, it was just the opposite. It was calm, inviting, gracious and strong, as was she…but mostly, it was HER. She was part of the reason we were all there. She was the person who has made it her life's mission to share him, this man who was her son, with all of us…completely, and unselfishly. She was the reason this event was happening. It was her…and immediately, I loved her. She only spoke briefly, after which the lights went down, and the documentary "Fall In Light" began.

	It opened with a clip of Jeff singing what was sometimes his (live) ending for 'Grace'…him wailing, 2 notes in succession, repeatedly, as if his life depended on it...the audience went silent…I was stunned. Prior to seeing the documentary, I had only ever seen pictures of Jeff…I had never actually seen him animated before, and at times, it was almost too much to watch. The scene then faded into a news clip from the day they pulled his body out of the Wolf River. It was starkly unnerving…having not discovered Jeff until after his death, I had never seen any of that. My heart was in my throat, and the tears began. The bulk of the documentary was comprised of photos, live clips, and interviews…of Jeff, his mother, his bandmate Michael Tighe, and friends. There were pictures of him as a boy, young and vibrant…a Christmas photo of him receiving his first guitar, pure bliss on his face. Photos and concert clips from one of Jeff's first bands were shown,
as was audio from his first public appearance in New York…the 1991 tribute to Jeff's father at St. Anne's Church, where Jeff performed two songs. The interviews with friends shed light onto the kind of person Jeff was, as did the interviews with his mother. Those with Jeff himself were both humorous…him joking, clowning, just BEING, and sometimes uneasy…he wasn't always comfortable being the center of attention. To him it was all about the music…that was his focus. There was also footage of the New York pub Sin-é, some of Jeff and his band touring, and finally, footage from Memphis.

It was eerie, seeing Barrister's (where he last played), seeing his house there, the 4-track on the table in the living room. There was one last clip of the interview with Michael Tighe, relating the last conversation he had with Jeff. "He had really found himself again, found the music again, by sequestering himself in Memphis…he knew he had to do that, and he was proud of the material he had created there…I thought that too, that he had to go there to find it all again…but really, he had to go there…to die." Finally, there was a clip of Jeff standing alone on a stage, partly shadowed, playing 'Hallelujah'…then a fade to a close-up of him sleeping in the car, his voice the audio.

It was hard to watch…all of it was, but particularly the scenes from Memphis…they were so haunting. Several times I found that I was holding my breath, perhaps trying to hold some of the emotion in, not wanting it to take control…not that it was effective, as I think I cried the entire time. But as the documentary ended, the audience began to clap, and moved into cheering…it was a beautiful sound…and the sadness in me lessened.

	Mary Guibert once again made her way to the front of the room, and proceeded to introduce Michael Tighe, who joined her. They then answered questions from the audience, most of whom were at first reluctant to ask any. Most of the questions were about the music, what it meant to Jeff, what it meant to those that knew him. One question was actually a comment, a girl who stood up and thanked
Mary for all of her kindness, her generosity, her unending efforts to share the music Jeff left behind with his fans. It was a lovely compliment, one by which Mary was obviously flattered, yet didn't think she deserved. The crowd responded with spirited applause, eliciting smiles and thanks from her, gracious as ever. She then thanked us all again for coming, and said that she hoped we enjoyed the concert.

There was a brief intermission of sorts, during which some of the audience made their way to the courtyard (the concert was being shown outside as well, on large-screen television, during the reception). my friend and I chose to remain inside, to see it on the theater screen, with the speakers of the venue surrounding us. The anxiousness returned…and I started to wonder if I was the only person there who was being so affected by all of this. A quick glance around the room assured me I was not…there were several people with the same nervous look on their face as mine…at least I was not alone. Again came kind reassurance from my friend, with questions of "How are you doing?" All I could do was smile and nod, hoping I was at least somewhat convincing.

I had an idea of what I was going to see next…there were clips of him live in the documentary. But I was not prepared for the mind-blowing experience of seeing Jeff completely immersed in the element that suited him best…live performance. Fully live, fully loud, fully amazing…1 hour and 39 minutes of Jeff exuding pure emotion, baring his soul, giving every single ounce of anything he held within him…I was breathless, and speechless from the minute it began.

"Jeff Buckley-Live In Chicago" is a full concert, uncut, recorded on May 13, 1995 at the Cabaret Metro in Chicago, IL. I had heard that seeing Jeff in concert was an unbelievable experience…let me just say that that's one of the biggest understatements ever made. Seeing him in concert is almost indescribable…and one of the most emotional experiences I've ever had in my life. I went from smiling, to sitting there speechless, to cheering, to crying…I think I cried the most, actually, as I just couldn't handle all of the emotion seeing him perform evoked in me. The surroundings were almost perfect…watching it on the big screen, in surround sound, with other fans…it was almost like we were actually there. People were singing along, cheering between songs…it was incredible. And Jeff…how do I even begin to explain the miracle that is Jeff Buckley?…it's almost impossible to attempt, but I'll try.

He stands on stage, joking, plugging in his guitar, and smiling. Your average concertgoer might mistake him as being just another singer…then, he opens his mouth. While singing, his eyes are almost always closed. If they are open, they are intently focused…not on the crowd, but on some other far off point, never wavering. His face…god, his face…the emotion he expresses with his facial movements alone are enough to squeeze your heart until it bursts…several times I found myself with my hand pressing on my chest, as if I was trying to hold mine in.

	His head shakes in time with the vibrato of his voice…his mouth changes from a close-lipped humming, to a gaping scream…his hands and arms flow over his guitar as if it's simply another limb on his body. He physically immerses himself in the music…every part of him is a note, swirling through the air…and when the song is over, you wonder if he has anything left for himself. But by the time the next song begins, it's all back in him…I can't even imagine where it all comes from. But he's not always the soulful crooner…he goes from that intensity, to recovering for a moment, straight into being the goofy jokester with the crowd. "Do I look all right?" he asks with a smirk, smoothing down his hair after toweling off. He plays with the cameraman, flirts with the guitar tech, makes fun of the hecklers, parodies a Smiths song. And he's always in control…he takes his
time in between songs, changing guitars, adjusting amps…nothing is going to rush him, and he won't start before he's ready. The band watches him so intently…I know all bands do that, but this seems different…they hang on his every move, every word, every chord. At one point he looks at them, says "changed my mind", and just starts playing…and none of them miss a beat. And as for the emotion…it's not just sad emotion…it's anger, joy, regret, love, sorrow, passion… just complete kick-ass emotion. He conveys them all by screaming his heart out…holding notes you wouldn't believe…changing words in a way that you wouldn't even suspect they weren't in the original version, even if you know it by heart.

It's simply unbelievable to see Jeff sing…you're completely drawn into the experience… there's not one part of him that doesn't participate in his performance. It's in his eyes…you can see it, but you can't explain it…the intensity, the stare that cuts right through you…the power. It's all there. It's in the way he moves his hands…over his chest, over his guitar. It's in the gape of his mouth, as he screams his soul into the air. It's in the expressions on his face, the display of pure of emotion. If you close your eyes, you can hear it. It's in the way he breathes. It's in the way he expels a note, barely audible, yet unmistakable. It's in the way his voice breaks when he's pulled a note out so far, it has to. It's simply unavoidable…you can see it everywhere…you can hear it everywhere…but more than that, you can feel it. A feeling so strong, it knocks you cold. The words so blinding, they pierce your mind. The emotion so pure, it breaks your heart.

When it was over, I could barely think. I know I said things to my friend during the concert, but I had no recollection of what they were. It was all I could do to breathe normally, and keep my jaw off the ground…blown away does not even begin to describe how I felt after seeing that. And above it all, only one phrase kept circling through my head…'You (Jeff) should be here…you should be here'. But what I also realized, is that he is. He's in every note that comes through any speaker…he's in the tears that you cry while listening…the pain in your hands from clapping…the twinge in your throat from yelling…the ache in your soul from experiencing the wondrous gift of his music. He's in the heart of any person he's ever touched…as he is in mine. And I know, without a doubt, that I will carry him with me forever

The reception was pretty much winding down by the time we made our way outside. My friend and I just stood for a few minutes, taking everything in. That was when I noticed Jeff's mother, standing off to the side. I had considered going to talk to her, but was really hesitant to do so, simply because I was already so emotional. But finally, with a little urging from my friend, I decided I would, and slowly made my way to where she was standing. There were several people surrounding her, so I just hung back, waiting my turn, interested in her interaction with the others. To each person, each comment, she listened intently...smiled brilliantly...thanked warmly...hugged tightly. Finally, they were gone, and I was one of the last to speak with her.

	She made her way over to me, a giant smile on her face..."oh, what a sweetheart you are, you've waited so long!" I smiled, then leaned in so she could hear me, apologizing for my lack of voice (laryngitis). "It's okay hon," she said, laughing, "you can croak in my ear." Again, a brilliant smile. I then started to speak, and began to cry. She looked down, only for an instant, so she could find my hand...and held it tightly in both of hers the entire time. Trying to sound coherent, I searched for the words to say. I told her how incredible this was,
being here…that I had only discovered Jeff, and his music, a few short months ago. But that in that time, he had touched me so deeply, he had changed my life, changed the way I look at things. "Isn't it amazing?" she asked. I nodded, continuing, thanking her for her efforts, for sharing his music with us, for this night, and especially for the concert video. I told her how amazing it was, for those of us who didn't find him until after (his death), to actually be able to SEE him perform, see him sing all of these songs we loved so much.

Her eyes never left mine, as again she spoke..."I am so very glad you're here, that you came to share this night with me. And I'm glad I could share it with you, all of it. How very wonderful." Then she hugged me…not a casual 'thanks for coming' kind of hug, but the kind that envelops you completely…she held me as I cried, and whispered "It's okay…I know." Attempting to regain my composure I pulled back, and grabbed her hand, thanking her again. "You're so very welcome."

And with that, I turned to leave. I found my friend (thank god for my friend, I don't think I'd have made it through without her there), and as we made our way out of the courtyard, I let it all hit me. Tears running down my face, I was completely overcome with emotion. My friend held my hand, asking if I was okay, and I said the only thing I could think of…told her exactly what I felt, right at that moment. "My heart has never been so full."